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*[A Broken Perfection]*

... Taking Steps Towards A Rebuild ...

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deepest darkest secret

06.28.07 (9:06 am) [edit]

So it seems that my life really has taken a turn... I'm just not sure which way. I've learned some new things about people and how they feel or felt about me... Which was news to me... blogs are always good for that... haha... people always spill their deepest darkest secrets. But if by chance this person reads this... I just want to put on the table so you know... I enjoyed our time together alot, really grew together with you, And i just want you to know that nothing can change what was there. New loves or not... you and I will always be special to each other... you will always be the love of my life. So when I say that I've given my heart to another... it's really not true. I've given my emotional heart to another but you still hold the real thing. Don't throw it away.... just keep it safe. Thats All I Ask.

... HIding Away ...

02.08.06 (11:58 pm) [edit]

Theres Words That He Can't Know They'll Spill It All .. The Blood And Tears I've Conjured To Slowly Ease The Way I Feel... I Really Hate My Life It's Slowly Falling Apart ... Pieces I Once Had Are Now Missing In Action ... The Dreams I Used To Sleep Just To Have Turned Into Nightmares I Want To Run From ... The Way I Ran From You ... Im Hiding Away From You ... I Pass By Things That Remind Me Of You ... Tears Heat My Eyes ... I Wish I Could Just See You Once More Please Just Let Me See You ... I Wish I Could Reach Out And Touch You ... Just One Last Time ... Please Im Screaming And Begging To Just Dream One Last Dream Of Our Perfection Before I Hide Myself Away ... Don't Let Me Hide Away ... I Really Honestly Need You.

... Shattered Hearts ...

01.30.06 (11:38 pm) [edit]

She's Standing Across From Him ... She Said She Wanted To Talk ... Shes Fiddling With Her Clothing Pulling It Down Real Tight ... Shes Hoping He Doesn't Notice Shes Nervous ... But Tears Are Welling Up In His Eyes ... She Knows Somethings Going Down And She Can See That He's Aware. To Him Shes Just Everything Hes Ever Asked For But To Her He's So Much More ... She Could Never Explain In Words Or Express What She Feels But It Scares Her She Needs To Run ... Shes Got Nothing Left To Prove To Him ... Hes Taken All Shes Worth And Shes Running Out Of Time ... She Wishes He Could See Everything Shes Ever Felt For Him But Hes Blind To It All ... And Now Shes Really Leaving ... They Used To Be Perfection They Were Everything Everyone Wanted ... Nothing Was Ever Wrong It Was Beyond Special To Them ... But Now As Days Are Passing By She Really Wants To Talk To Him ... To Tell Him That She Misses Him To Express Shes Still In Love To Let Him Know Hes Everything She Could Ever Want ... Too Bad He'll Never Know Becuz She Could Never Tell Him Exactly What Shes Feeling For Him .. She Could Never Put Him Thru That The Pain Of Remembering ... The Pain Of Everything She Put Him Thru ... Just To See It End. She Regrets Some Choices She Made But She Still Feels That It Was Right To Push Him Away Into Anothers Arms Knowing It Would Be Alright ... She'd Simply Walk Away And Hide That She Was Breaking ... And Hope To Hell He Never Knew How Much She Really Was Hurting... She'll Never Let Him Know Shes Really Still In Love She'll Never Really Get Over Him And How She Shattered His Heart ...

... He Doesn't Love Me Anymore ...

02.13.05 (9:04 pm) [edit]

[i][General Blog][/i]

The First Day I Ever Met Him ... He Was Perfection In My Eyes ... My Heart Screamed Out, I Had To Have Him ... He Was So New And Different To My Life ... I Spent A Lifetime Searching For Him ... But He Never Even Knew ... The Single Thought That Always Crossed My Mind ... Was How Long We'd Last ...

Over Time We Shaped Ourselves To Better Fit The Other ... I Tried My Best To Soothe Your Fears ... But I Pushed You Deeper Inside Them ... I Crawled Inside A Darkened Space That Seemed To Occupy My Mind ... It Felt safe And Comforting Inside The Hole ... Quite Like What Used To Be Your Arms ... I Find Myself Despising Myself For What I Seemed To Have Done To You ... So Tonight While You Are Fast Asleep ... I'll Scream Inside ... "He Doesn't Love Me Anymore" ...

I Know We've Had Our Differences And I've Tried To Smooth Some Out ... But It Seems Someone Has Caught Your Eye ... And I Pushed You Into It ... I Fucked Up Royally I Know That Now ... And Im Sorry You Had To Feel It ... I Tried To Fix It ... But Theres No Answer Now ... Except That He Doesn't Love Me Anymore ...

I Give Up Please Give My Heart Back ... It Hurts To Much To Breathe ... I Take A Moment Each Night And Pray That In The End We're Meant To Be ... But In The Last While Or So ... You've Proved To Hate Me Like A Sin ... So Im Handing Over Everything ... You Can Try Them Out With Her ... The Girl I Know Your Thinking Of Who Is Never Going To Be Me ... The One You Spend Your Whole Life Dreaming Of While Your Sleeping Next To Me ... So Here You Go Plz Understand ... I've Tried My Hardest To Keep You Close ... But In The End I Just Fucked Up ... And Now He Doesn't Love Me Anymore ...

No... He Doesn't Love Me Anymore ... His Dreams Are All Of HER.

... Ask For Freedom - I'll Let You Fly ...

02.11.05 (1:49 pm) [edit]

I've spent a lifetime looking for you, but you've been hiding from my veiw. I spent so much time thinking of you, but you've been hibernating from my thots ... if you wanted to make this easier on yourself ... just ask for freedom - i'll let you fly...

You've spent a lifetime searching for her, the one who'll save your soul ... you've spent so much time thinking of her, you've been blinded by your love ... if you wanted to save yourself the time and pain... all you had to do was ask. Ask For Freedom - I'll Let You Fly ...

You've been thru hardships , and cheating whores ... you've been thru big steps, and many life chores ... I tried my best to be the one for you, but i've proved to be the worst ... in the end you walked away but u never even asked ...

All you had to do my love was ask for freedom - i'll let you fly ...

... A Second Spent In Fear ...

02.02.05 (8:51 am) [edit]

I've walked a million miles with you... But nothing felt so real... As holding on to your strong hand and wondering what you feel... I've tried to read your emotions thru with smiles, tears and time ... I've even tried to show you me thru my fucked up little rhymes... But in the time i've spent with you... i realize how you work... and every time i look in your eyes ... there's a second spent in fear...

I don't know how you'll react when i wanna say a word... when i want to share life time experience but your scared i'll flirt or cheat... so i've done my time of waiting... i'll just do it all your way ... cuz i hate the feeling that i get in the second spent in fear...

... Dear Love ...

01.09.05 (10:32 pm) [edit]

[i][Disclaimer - Before Rawk & I Mended Our Relationship I Worte This Becuz I Wanted Everyone To Know How Much I Still Love Him... So... Yeah... Enjoy.. Most Of The Poems I Wrote Are About Him Except "Your Next Whore" & "Shame" ...][/i]

:+:Dear Love:+:

Dear Love,
I've Come To See Im Lost Without You
Theres Nothing More I Want.
Except To Be Wrapped Up Close To You
With Your Whispers in My Ear.
I've Told Them All Im Taken For Life
That No One Can Stop Me,
I'll Give It My Everything And All
Just Have You Back In My Life.
I've Sacrificed My Happiness With You
To See A Smile On Your Face
But When I Realized I Caused You Nuthing But Tears
I Found Myself Ripping At The Seams
My Emotions Pouring Out Now.
You Don't Know What Its Like.
To Be On My Side Of The One Way Mirror
Seeing Myself In All That You Do.
Im Crying To Make You Understand
That My Heart Can't Possibly Make It Thru Life
Without You Holding It Tightly Closed
To Keep It From Falling Apart.

... Hatred ...

01.09.05 (10:30 pm) [edit]

:+:Hatred:+:

Broken Dreams..
Shattered Heart..
Silent Screams..
Rip Me Apart..

No One Hears..
And Its Hard To Care..
When Everything..
Is No Longer There..

You Took My Hand
And Then My Soul
Then Left Me To Stand
Alone In The Cold.

You Told My Heart
Internal Lies...
I Broke And Fell Apart.
Our Love Finally Dies

... Emotions Are ...

01.09.05 (10:29 pm) [edit]

:+:Emotions Are ...:+:

An Emotion Is A Phrase,
Or Series Of Words
Spoken With Forceful
Amounts Of Passion
Inside Of A Small Human Organ
Stirs Emotions Or Phrases
That Mean Something
About Or To A Member
Of The Posing Opposite Sex
Physical Exchanges
Of These Said Emotions
And, Or Phrases
Ends In Many Complications
I Myself, Have
Lost My Heart To You
And My Soul Belongs
Next To Yours
For All Enternity.

... Story Of Love ...

01.09.05 (10:27 pm) [edit]

:+:Story Of Love:+:

I'll Tell You A Story
About A Young Girl
Who Slit Her Wrists
To Feel The Thrill.
Then She Met A Boy
Who Told Her To Quit
She Glared At Him
And Threw A Fit.
He Made Her A Promise
He Would Always Keep
He'd Love Her For Life
Even After She's DEAD Asleep.
She Gave Him A Chance
He Blew Her Away
She Was Amazed By Him
Each and Everyday.
She Fell In Love
She Felt So Scared
She Tried To Explain
But He Never Cared
She Finally Gave Up
And She Made Him Leave
She Swore To Herself
One Day He'd Believe
Now Sitting Alone
With A Knife In Her Hand
She Goes Back In Time
And Remembers What He Said
Tears Are Streaming
As She Slides The Blade
Across Her Smooth Surface
And Starts To Fade
Blood Starts Dripping
And She Looks Up With Relief
He'd No Longer Have To See Her
He Could Finally Breathe
He Recieved A Call
Only Few Days Later
He Dropped The Phone
"What Would Make Her?"
He Cried His Tears
Over Her Grave
He Said To Himself
"She Needs To Be Saved"
He Noticed The Lashes
All Over Her Skin
He Falls The The Ground...
It Was Cause Of Him
Now He Sits In His Room
Wishing He Was Up Above
Sleeping Next To The One Soul
He Learned To Deeply Love.

... Unaware ...

01.09.05 (10:25 pm) [edit]

:+:Unaware:+:

You're unaware to the things I Feel
I've Hidden them from you
I come to the realization today
That im unsure What to do.

I know that you are with someone
and i hate to interfere
You couldn't possibly come to understand
the things of which i fear.

I find myself in question
as i think about the times
i always tried to tell you something
with my fucked up little rhymes.

I think sometimes i have the words
but they never seem to fit
So I've Come To Terms, There Are No Words
To Explain how i feel, so i quit.

theres nothing left for me to do
except watch you from a distance
i'll dream of your kisses and soft sweet touches
as i watch the two of you dance.

it shatters my heart to let you go
the pain is violating my nerves
but in the end i know whats best
and the best is all u deserve.

... Thank You ...

01.09.05 (10:24 pm) [edit]

:+:Thank You:+:

I Remember That Night
When You Held My Hand
You Made Things Right
And Now I Finally Understand.
Your Tender Touch
Spoke Louder Than Ever
It Held Me In Place
When My Will Started To Weather.
I Must Thank You Today
For The Kindness You Shared
Oh And One Last Thing To Say ...
Im Glad It Was You, Who Cared.

... Confession ...

01.09.05 (10:21 pm) [edit]

.:Confession:.

I Have A Confession
About You And I
I Don't Know How To Tell You
But I Will Give It A Try

I Only Just Met You
But It's Come To That Time
To Say That You're The Inhabitant
Of My Distraught Mind.

I Find Myself Thinking
Of Nothing But You
It Distracts My Decisions
Im Lost On What To Do

So To Sum It All Up
Heres What I'll Say
I Like You More That I Thot
Words Could Ever Say.

... Shame ...

01.09.05 (10:19 pm) [edit]

:+:Shame:+:

A Dream Is Not Worth Dreaming
I've Come To Realize That Today
I Find Myself Breaking Down & Crying
With Every Fucking Word You Say.
You're Just Full Of Useless Lies
That Won't Get You Near My Heart
But Then Again Im Just Some Prize
That You Will Do Anything To Hurt.
The Only Thing I Ask Of You
Is To Go About Your Day
Im Done Crying Over Everything
You Finally Put Me To Shame...

... Past Dreams ...

01.09.05 (10:17 pm) [edit]

[i][Disclaimer: I Actually Wrote All These Poems After Rawk/Discredit And I Had Broken Up ... Unfortunately He Never Got To See This One Due To Our Lack Of Communication ... And I Wish He Had Cuz Maybe We Woulda Fixed Things Sooner ... But None The Less I Have Him Back And Im Never Letting Him Go ... I Just Wanted Him To Know This Was What I Felt.][/i]

:+:Past Dreams:+:

If I Could Go Back In Time
I'd Hold You Close & Call You Mine
If I Could Only Make You See
Just How Perfect You & I Would Be
If I Could Find A Way
To Make You Hear What I Say
I'd Sit You Down & Show To You
All The Times I'd Cried For You
All The Times I'd Let You Down
But Always Try To Fix Your Frown
I Wish You'd Seen The Love We Had
Maybe If We'd Seen It, I Wouldn't Be So Sad
I Find Myself Lost & Alone
I Miss Your Voice Over The Phone
I Hate Myself For Hurting You
I Wish There Was Something I Could Do
To Win Your Heart
And Not Fall Apart
Pulling At The Strings Of My Sanity
I Need You Here, Right Next To Me...

To Make It Thru The Day

... I Know ...

01.09.05 (10:13 pm) [edit]

:+:I Know ...:+:

I Know That Were No Longer Close
But Theres Something You Should Know
You Touched My Heart In Many Ways
But I Could Never Let It Show.

I Know That Im Not Worth Your Time
I Can See It When We Talk
But, Baby, U Just Don't Understand
How Much Its Hurts To See You Walk.

I Know That We Don't Hang Out As Much
But You Really Need To See
My World Is Gone, Its Fallen To Pieces
Without You Next To Me.

I Spent So Many Months Without You
I Had To Go My Own Way
But When I Tried To Walk Alone
I'd Break Down And Cry Each Day.

I Learned To Close My Heart Away
And Lock It Up Real Tight
I Learned To Keep It From Your Kind
Who Wouldn't Treat It Right.

We Started Talking Just Yesterday
And My Happiness Fell Apart
I Learned That You Were Over Me..
And You'd Never Want My Heart.

... Your Next Whore ...

01.09.05 (10:12 pm) [edit]

:+:Your Next Whore:+:

I am no longer A Fool
You Can Play Your Fucking Games
I'm Done Being Your Tool
Im Done Being Ashamed.
I Used To Believe
I Was Worth The TIme Of Day
But The Second You Leave
I Finally Understand What U Say.
You Really Don't Care
You Never Fucking Will
Im Just Some Prize To Wear
To Help Your Reputation Fill
Your Feelings Are Stone
And Your Heart Is Now Missing
I Shud Have Known
When You Didn't Phone...
I Was Just The Next Whore
You Were Kissing.

... My Heart ...

01.09.05 (10:11 pm) [edit]

:+:My Heart:+:

I Have A Heart
It's Made Of Glass
It's Transparent
And Very Light In Mass
It's Been Abused
And Broken Before
Its Lost Some Use
It's Very Sore
I Apologize
For Any Missing Parts
Its Shrunk In Size
It Broke Apart
I Know You Wish
To Take It From Me
But You Have To Promise
You'll Try To See
Im Begging You
To Handle It With Care
I Don't Know What I'd Do
If I Had No Heart To Share..

... Forgotten ...

01.09.05 (10:09 pm) [edit]

:+:Forgotten:+:

I've Been Pushed Aside
And Left Behind
I've Been Forgotten
Pushed Out Of Mind
I've Fucked You Over
Now Im Left Alone
I've Been Degraded
And Turned To Stone
I Cried My Tears
When My Wrists Bled
I've Faced My Fears
Whenever You Fled
But Im Sorry To Say
Im Still Stuck In The Past
I Fell In Fucking Love With You
And I Fell Too Fucking Fast

... One Boy.One Girl.Two Hearts.Their World ...

01.02.05 (5:28 pm) [edit]

She Turns On The News ... There It Is Again ... The Woman On The Screen Is Telling It To Them ... The World Is Breaking Apart ... Theres Crime On Every Corner ... Windows Have Been Smashed In ... Many Lives Have Been Taken...

Dreams Have Been Lost ... Loved Ones Are Dead ... Tears Have Been Spilling ... The Screen Flashes Before Her ... She Can't Understand .. Why War And Destruction ... Are So Evident And Abundant... The Only World Shes Ever Known Is Full Of Love And Compassion ... Her World Is Revolving Around Him ...

His Smile Is The Sunshine That Rises To Never Set ... His Laugh Is The Wind That Whispers Sweet Nothing In Her Ears ... Shes Lost In A Heaven She Can't Come To Leave ... Shes Dreaming Of Him ... And The Endless Love That He Bleeds ... She Needs Him Now More Than Anyone Could ... Her Love Is Worth Nuthing Unless Its Locked Up In His Heart ... She'll Give Him Her Everything ... He Keeps Her From Falling Apart ...

She Turns Off The News Shes Lost On The Stories ... A 16 Yr Old Just Got Killed By A Drunk Driver ... She Doesn't Understand What These People Are Thinking .. When They Let This World Get Fucked Up And Depressing ... But She Doesn't Care Shes Got What She Needs ...

She's Got One Boy With One Girl ... Whose Two Hearts Are Their World ...

... A Dreamer in Distraught ...

12.30.04 (9:43 pm) [edit]

A Dreamer Dreamed Of Heaven As She Looked Into His Eyes ... She Sought A Sanctuary From Danger ... In The Comfort Of His Arms ... He Told Her Many Times Before He'd Love Her Till He Died ... He Never Wasted Any Of Her Time ... He Never Lied.

She Spends Her Days In Search Of Answers To What She's Left To Do ... The Dreams Of Heaven She Once Had ... Slowly Began To Turn To Hell ... Everything Blew Apart ... It Ripped Holes In Her Hearts Seams ... But Then He Took Her Hand In His And Wiped Away Her Fears ... She Knew One Day They'd Make It Thru All The Times They'd Lost The War ... They'd Share Their Hearts In Harmony ... Her Dreams Were No Longer Lies ...

A Realization Came To Her As She Sat Wrapped In His Arms ... She'd Love Him Till The End Of Time ... No Ones Words Can Change Her Mind ... Its Up To Him Now When The Words Pour Out ...

All She Askes Is That He Love Her Back Becuz She Misses Him Every Millisecond He's Away ... And She Can't See The World Shes Living Without Him In...

No Matter What Others Say. <3>

... Entering Heaven ...

12.26.04 (7:50 pm) [edit]

Dreams Have Become Fantansies For A Gurl Like Her .. She's Lost Faith In All She Should Believe .. They All Left Her Alone When She Decided To Make It On Her Own .. Her Goal Was To Show Them She Was Just As Good .. She Wanted Them To Know .. Nothing Could Torment Her Daily Anymore ... Least Of All ... His Heart ...

She Gave A Smile Before Pushing Down ... She Squeaked An Ounce Of Pain As She Watched It Gush ... The Wound She'd Endured Was Now A Sacred Hideaway ... Her Heart Would Be Safe Where No One Could Find Her .. In The Darkened Tomb Of Loathe...

Questions Ate At Her And She Realized She'd Failed ... Theres Nothing Left Inside Her ... Nothing But The Pain ... She'd Let Him Go Only To Find Herself Crawling Back ... She'd Tried To Move On Only To Feel Her Heart Scream ... She'd Left His Heart Inside Her Soul .. In The Hopes He'd Never Want It Back ..

Just Days Ago She'd Found Hope Again In The Smile He'd Shared With Her .. She'd Realized No One Was Anything Like Him ... She'd Realized She Can't Move On To Tomorrow Without Her Hand In His ... [i]"Tomorrow"[/i] She Whispers To Herself ...

[i]"I Will Be [b]Entering Heaven[/b] When I Enter The Embrace Of His Arms .. Only To Lie There And Fall In Love A Million Times Over Again..."[/i] :oops:

... Match Made In Heaven ...

12.24.04 (7:45 pm) [edit]

She's Sitting Down To Write A Letter That She Knows She'll Never Send... She Grabs The Pen From Off The Desk Nothings Stopping Her Now... The Background Voices She Hears Are Screaming For Her Not To Let Her Walls Cave ... But Nothing Anyone Ever Says Will Change Her Mind Tonight...

[i]"Im Done Being Miserable"[/i] She Says To Herself .. The Pen Tip Touches The Paper... Emotions Are Flooding Her Fingers, The Writings Are Smooth And Swift... The I's Are Being Dotted The T's Are Being Crossed ... Shes Giving Her Soul Away To Him ... Shes Giving Away Her Life... She Never Thot It'd Come To This .. She Never Thot She'd Have The Courage ... But Tonights The Night Theres No Boundries Awaiting ... Her Feelings Are Ready To Unravel...

The First Words Are Placed Beneath The Pen ... The Black Is Beginning To Spell Her Thots... Shes Getting Started ... Now Letting It All Go ... Shes Beginning To Break Down .. Soon To Cry ... Tears Flooding Her Eyes She Throws Down The Pen ... The Ink Is Beginning To Run ... She Falls Down On The Floor And Hugs Her Knees Close... She Feels Something Gripping Her Heart Tight ... She Stands Up .. Walks Over To Her Letter And Looks Down ... Thru The Blurry Tears And Puffy Eyes ... She ReReads What She Wrote...

[i]"Dear Lost Love Of Mine ... Im Sorry I Didn't Give Us Time ... Give Me Chance I'll Make You See ... We're A [b]Match Made In Heaven[/b] ... Please Say You Love Me."[/i]

... Abused Perfection ...

12.22.04 (11:46 am) [edit]

Well Some Of You Know Me Some Of You Don't .. Either Way .. Hi. Im Cate ... Im Back Again *Sigh* ... Many Of You Who Know Me .. Know Me As The Gurl Who Dated Rawk/Discredit ... Well ... My Stupidity Took The Best Of Me Now Im Here ... Without Him. But I Have Good News ... We're Gonna Try Friends... Its The Best I Can Get Right Now From Him. But I Wrote Something That I Wanna Share.

Abused Perfection

I Met A Boy I Named Perfection. He Made Me Smile, He Made Me Laugh ... He Completed My Life In Every Way. His Name Was Really Kamil. But Nuthing Could Compare. So I Named Him Perfection. But It Still Doesn't Do Justice. I Find Myself Searching For A Word That Could Possibly Explain Him The Way I See Him.

I Gave Him My Heart Of Which He Still Holds. I Never Took It Back. I Can't Take It Back. No One Can Complete It Like He Can. When Its Broken His Touch Mends It. When Im Crying His Smile Wipes My Fears. I Miss His Fingertips Intertwined With Mine. Theres Not A Word In The World Or A Person Today That Can Take This Away From Me. I Will Smile My Way Thru If You Let Me Go. I Will Smile If You Give Up. I Will Smile If You Take The Steps Away From Me And Leave Me Watching You Leave Me Behind. But After I Smile I'll Turn Around To Go Home .. Pull Your Pictures My Way ... And Cry ...

Because I'll Finally Realize How I Abused My Perfection ... And That He'll Never Want To Stay.